christmas is round the table!
it's a day to remember jesus.
a day to be happy.. a season to receive, and give.

ive been good. life is still the same. but just cant get used to the sleeping hours, having to wake up at 6am.... i hate it! i go to camp on weekdays morning and come home at late evening ard 6+.
my sweet mummy would occasionally prepare dinner... today she cooked mushrooms, fish, veggies, eggs..
occasionally i would drop by cheryl's house, sometimes stay over.
friday nights, i usually stay home, or go for dinner or supper with family or friends.
on saturdays i would stay home, watch tv, use the comp, play, read or i'd go hang out with cheryl & family.

went to orchard last saturday. im becoming more interested in books, cus tomomi jon and me went to kinokuniya to browse books while cheryl went to do facial, i found books more attractive =p. sunday, it was miao's bday, so i joined them to celebrate at parkway, it was pretty fun, i guess.. oh.. i missed church that day, went to expo instead of indoor stadium :( but then i bought a new t-shirt, a new nike shoe, and some new socks.. ouch in the wallet, ahh.. but it's well worth it :D hmm.. i want contact lenses, fragrances, wallet, and more t-shirts!

ever since i gone into ns, i just feel that ive been missing out alot. no more catching up with friends so often, no more sufficient free time, no more long hair, no more "life"... 1 year 9 months more to go :)

and why am i staying up so late today?

i wish everyone is good and doing well. i hope to catch up with all of you soon, my friends.

been pretty lazy to update.

went to have dinner at lei garden with family and cheryl tomomi and jonathan.

went to bro's house,
he gave me a nice watch
we looked at the old photographs

came home :)

hello!

1 month plus since!

well im fine.. im okay :D
talk to me friends!

let me know u are still out there somewhere.

exams period at the stores in camp is over!
so now we're pretty much relaxed..

been adjusting pretty ok to the life there :)
not that bad.
get to board the crowded morning buses every morning,
seeing my bedok north juniorsssss, really juniors. haha
and so nostalgic.. just reminds me of secondary school days.
imagine that was 4 years ago.. and im 20 now le, so fast..

all my sec school and poly memories just streams like
a flimstrip in my mind now....
sec 1.. 2.. 3.. 4..... o levels.. holidays.. poly yr 1.. yr 2.. yr 3...
holidays after poly... jap course, game, maple
all the way till enlistment into ns.

miss the times and everything so much...
being a nuisance in class, being the joker, fooling around
with tan guang xiang, all those loves laughing like mad,
fighting with jason chan wei lun, lol! sec 3 indon gang :)
meeting up with friends, basketball sessions all the time!
thats the secondary school...

hmm. poly life..
zai lecturers + lectures + tutorials!
tapping card and running from lectures..
bear, tutu, my class, zhikai, sherleena.. semester end chalet...
all these people... year 2 -> lonely and emo year, the pain.
dinah tng yue woon! my emo buddy :D
year 3, the big union for me and friends.. bbq..
cramming for exams... oh gosh :)

treasure now friends!
ok back to reality! as i was saying... boarding the morning bus...

get to see damai sec students!
where i met so many interesting people and fun incidents
that happened during my sec sch life.
ngss too! oh her...!

mmm! well havent been playing any games.
limited time, and have much more things i can do..
like listening to songs, chatting, eating dinner,
watching tv, surfing the web... talking to friends, much more!

chun's enlisted into army today le, im sad,
he's such a good friend of mine...
hope he'll cope well there! i know he will..
mark's in ocs currently doing officer course, last heard
from him he's posted to air force.
kc? no news, in navy. and the girls, just saw them last sat
for fenglin's bday.. haha! all still good!

im considering getting a psp / itouch,
chun gave me good advice last night,
and my friends in store too! thx :)

ill go for psp slim & lite.

today came back earlier at 4+pm.
yay, life's gonna be good,
with god :)

been so long since i last updated..!

and pretty much have changed, and pretty much have not.
hmm.. i'm currently botak! served 2 weeks+ of my dumbdumb
2years of my life away in changi hendon camp and tekong..
but good thing! i get to book out everyday.. and at least have 3 hours of freetime :D

yeah anyway these past times have 2 parts, before ns, after ns..

before ns, played maple, went out, relaxed and enjoyed life, though horntailing was
tiring, and game was getting boring and lifeless... life was pretty much enjoyable,
i had time to sleep as much as possible, full of freedom, and friends were around...
now that almost all my guys friends has gone into ns..
i gotta say it's a really boring life now.
i really hate rigid stringent rules and regulations.
and i'm too energy and people oriented to do what i do now.
i'm enduring for these 2 years to pass :)

time hasnt been enough, for me to do whatever i want to do,
nor has it been enough for me to spend with her,
i wonder hows peggy, hows simone, and my friends out there..
and neither enough for me to rest well..
dont tell me time management, i dont want to hear it, i want to rant.

just had a chat with mark over the phone, he called, it lights up my day.
craving for love!

see you again blog, hopefully, the next time, happiness!

ok. update to my life.

filled with maple and simone...
gaming and with my beloved friend :)

mark's gone to army, no news of him... disappear to where?
before that, we had supper and lan gaming and slept over at my hse....
and off he went in to be the slave of our nation..

ok...
chatting now.

bye all.

for the past week or 2,
i haven't been hearing from my beloved vday clique.
been staying home for days..
feeling kinda happy at times.
feeling kinda bored at times.
been doing daily tasks.

i remember they said
"i want to eat okonomiyaki!"
"let's meet up for left 4 dead soon!"
"can't wait to chill together again!"

mark is going to the army on the 9th, have been
hanging out with him last week and earlier this week.
sometimes we have a good chat, sometimes we
go out and play, other times we just sleepover at
each other's places, sometimes we have fun looking
for food...

though...
each has got their own lives to live,
and own things to do.
kc and chun's been missing, come out!
mark's been doing rock climbing i think.
nana's busy with uni stuffs and etc...
fengmei's fighting her exams?
and peishi... dont really know what shes up to.

anyways...
it's sunday, and i'm kinda looking forward to church later on (:

i have stuffs i need to achieve for now!
getting to bed early, like so i'd wake up in the mornings.
touch lesser games, they waste my time.
spend more time with my family and friends.
get out of the house more often and find something to do.
exercise more... i wish i still have that bunch of sec sch basketball classmates.


miss you my friends, when we gonna have another gathering? =]


sometimes i just wonder if i've said the wrong things,
& i'm sorry if i did, do forgive me?

precious faye.

be made well and whole
though you are far away
no where is far from jesus

be covered with his love
be bounded by his grace and favour
be blessed and be peaceful

fear and worries shoo far away from you
and while you keep your eyes in him
he takes care of all things
have you lie down in green pastures
to enjoy the rejuvenation of your mind and body

all things work together for good,
for you and your precious ones
and enjoy the fullness of grace.

while we were sinners, we lived in a prison call the prison of unrighteousness.
no matter what good deeds we do, or to please god, god sees us unrighteous.
not because by what we do, but because of the prison that bounded us due to
the first man's sin. god loves us, and has given us the free choice to choose.

when we accept christ, we are moved to a prison of righteousness.
from here on out, we are never judged in the eyes of the lord by our acts in this life,
past present future. god sees us righteous. however, our spirit still lives in this
temporal house, this body of flesh which is vulnerable to sins and unrighteous acts, but
as sins abound, the grace of god much more abounds, understanding this makes those
who love god, not want to sin.

2 corinthians 12:8-10
I rather boast in my infirmity so that god's grace would fall on me.

romans 8:28
all things work together for good for those who love god. in this covernent,
his princes and princesses are predestined to be like jesus himself.
when things are bad, they are meant to be cultivated into something of greater good.

ephesians 1:11
when we face trouble, trouble works for our good.

genesis 50:18
paul's test of life led him to a bigger blessing.
in the worst situations he faced, he still saw god.

joshua 14:10
caleb was as strong as 40 years ago at the age of 85.

numbers 14:9
these difficulties will not consume us, as they are our bread.

romans 5:1
once justified by faith, we are on grace ground, therefore rejoice in god,
and glory in tribulation.

i wonder whats wrong recently.

my vday clique, you guys all good?
hope u pple are doing well.

miss u all alot.

as promised a happy post!

long time since i last updated but i'm okay!

yesterday had a freaking heavy night with my favs and now still feeling the excitedness of it even though it's like over already but wow i love you people so much man!

relationship is not about face, pride, nor about losing nor winning :D

i feel sad...
yes i feel sad. kinda expected it...

however;
if i do love,
i cant.
i dont wanna...
i dont wanna...
& it's gonna be...

no longer able to see you
the more i saw...
and the more...
and if nothing was done...
if nothing was said........

it feels like forever.
like a stalk of withering rose.

it's not that i want to..
it's not like i can control..
i wish i could, but i feel so..

because these words i could never say.
perhaps we hadn't truly talked.

it's been 3 and a half years since the start.
it's been 1month and 1day since that day.

to love is such a pain.
and to hold on is such a torture.

ive been an optimist, but the tides in me are turning and now i feel a sense of hopelessness. they say that the nearer you get to your dreams, the more difficult things become, so is that true? or things can become easier as we get nearer to it? which is it?

ive been telling people around me to stay warm hearted, and that is the right way... but now i cant seem to stop myself from falling deeper and deeper.. sorry to everyone around me, i guess with my current wellbeing, i will soon let everyone down, and i know im gonna be sorry, and i know im gonna feel bad, and i know it's gonna be hurting and make everyone hate me...

therefore, i am sorry. thank you for reading my 'emotional' heart. i just dont wish to hold back, and dont want to lie to myself anymore, let me be myself again, it's my time to let go.

Today, i looked through my 'memories'....

and it kinda hurts. they are flashbacks. and everything that has occupied my life were stated there.. i just felt a sense of lost going through my memories.. and i wonder about all the things that have happened.. and most significantly, i wonder how these people who were or are important in these memories are doing currently.

it was just weird tonight, i fell asleep at around 7.30pm, and i woke up at 11.50pm thinking what had happened to tonight, i had a bad feeling at that instance, and then it led me to think of how this girl is currently.. in turn it led me come across my 'memories' in someway or another...

there is this one accidental overwritten memory that i have been trying to find... and just now during my search for that lost memory, i've carelessly displaced all my memories, and i feel like crying now.

A loss in our life will never be a total loss. what we have did in our life for any person, may be a complete loss when we consider it to be one.

some people love without ever knowing what love is..

feel within deep down ur heart, are u truely happy and satisfied with the love?
i feel that humans' feelings are unmeasurable, love is unmeasurable.

for people who have enclosed themselves into a shell, they have stopped themself from a process or growth... in that part of their life..

there is the need to overcome these things in life that causes the feelings of hurts. what i believe is that in a relationship, love has to be first put in to reap love. when one is unwilling to start to love or is afraid to love, one may never experience what love feels like. it's like a risk... and note that there are only 2 outcomes, reciprocation or rejection... and be ready for that when you decide to love...

one may not want to put in love because they are afraid to be hurt, and would like to put a try to it first before any feelings can be put in, but as a human, we have a million and one doubts in our heart and mind, note that i put heart first because when the heart assures the mind. to me, it is a choice to want to start and love, at least love is experienced and you have truly love than to not put in anything for the rest of your life and never reap any result to anything... are we willing to part with our feelings and give it a try? or will we choose to live in the shell?

how can i ever understand what each and everyone has gone through? how will i ever understand how a person feels that makes their case a special one such that it totally breaks off this heart to love anymore... how will i ever understand the amount of pain a person had felt? no i dont, i dont understand one bit.

it's painful. when people say that true love is to love without expecting any reciprocation, i disagree with it, because that would be godly love, not humanly love. nobody will ever be able to stay like this forever, because we are weak humans.

soon.. we will venture into basic 3.. the final journey towards the completion of jlpt4, together...

the future is so uncertain for us..

sorekara...

this post is a sign in this blog so that i will ever remember that this part of my life has been an enjoyable and happy one, thank you.

this feeling, seems like i dont know how to describe..

what is this...

utopia

i feel you are so close to me.
but i cant touch you even if i reach out.
but..
even if it doesn't reach...
there is something that stays in your heart.
we stayed in the same time.
we looked up to the same thing.
as long as i remember that...
i can beleive that we are together,
no matter how far we are apart.
i will keep on running for now.
if i aimed at that distance...
someday..
i will reach what i am aiming for.

around my life, having many friends may be good.

however, i do not wish for many friends. all i want is the few true friends, who have been through all these with me, the people in my life which i will treasure forevermore, this is my wish.

things may change, things may be forgotten, everything may fade away like memories... but it doesnt matter, as long as i remember you, it will stay alive.


kimi to no ashita

Guuzen jya nai, futari de aeta no wa.
zutto mae kara kimatteta.
unmei...

me wo tajiru tabi, sora wo miageru tabi ni, maboroshi no you na, ano hibi ga yomigaeru.
michi wa susumu tabi ni tooku naru, dakedo aruku yo kono mama.
watashi ni wa mieru kimi to no ashita ga.
kimi ni mo wakaru yo itsudatte sou, kanarazu mamoru yo.
yakusoku shitakara, kanashii toki ni wa soba ni itai yo.

guuzen jya nai, futari de aeta no wa.
zutto mae kara yume miteta.
unmeiiii.....

i've been anime-ing recently and up with some housework today.

fate/stay night - wise archer... vs berserker, saber vs berserker
bleach - past arc chapters, aizen's plan
naruto - inside the mist, discovering of sanbi
toradora - episode 1

and rewatching some past animes here and there.
includes akagi shigeru, some akagi vs washizu mahjong scenes..

wellwell.. what else can i think of...

my life is full of nihon-go currently, and i like it... how i spent today? nihongo lessons as usual of course! konban wa teribi o mimashita (watching tv this evening), clearing my table and notes, gonna arrange my nihon-go file and hiragana no shukudai o shimasu (gotta do hiragana homework). lol parden me =\

BUT, before all that i need a shower now.

things around us seem to appear in logical order. logical order is something a person like me dislikes. things should always be unpredictable, unforseenable, unexplainable, uncomprehenable, makes no logic, makes no sense, bounderless, theoryless. if only this world is like this, nobody would be wrong.

just like how love should be. at some times we do things and we are unaware of why we do them. thats because our heart is not something u can reason off with logic and theory, like how love and feeling cannot be measured by any scale, so we cant find a reason to many things, and there are certain things and questions that you have that will never ever obtain an answer to, where two sides of the options u have seems to be both right and wrong. if you dont agree at this moment, think for a little while, perhaps u might get it, perhaps u can never understand what i am saying. if you think you understood, when you are faced with such a crossroad, what would you choose? which path would you usually take?

whats your love type? unconditional or conditional? humans' love, i heard no matter how unconditional it gets, will never be able to reach unconditional. if your love is unconditional love, you have divine love, which is impossible. but how far can we go? how far can i go? how far can you go? what is the limit? there should be no limit. or rather i think because we humans are so weak, we should ask, how near can our love get?

UPDATES

w mark
dota;
sleep over;
eat non-stop;
endless caterings;
really tired;
falling asleep together.


buffet w my lovers w bday cake w vday presents
peishi;
fenglin;
banana;
mark;
chun;
kc.

and there was this good news from one of my lovers, dunno to smile or cry. mixture.

i love you all.

It's time for us to learn not to judge with our eyes.
Not to decide with our eyes with every situation.
What we see, may not always be the true side of things.
The eyes can only see as much, the superficial surface of things.
Just like how we sometimes need to view a picture from different angles to get the big picture.
As much superficiality exists around us, it's not enough to determine with the eyes.

Learn people, learn not to judge with your eyes.
Your eyes may be a tool for you to see, but dont rely on it totally.
Use your heart to feel, mind to think, ears to hear, nose to smell and mouth to ask.
Just like how our eyes will only be able to see the tip of an iceberg.
And to explore the deeper root and indepth of things require other senses.

Before jumping to conclusions, try making as little assumptions as possible.
Give others a chance to redeem themselves, explain themselves.
What you think and what others think would usually be different.
Before you argue your point, try to think how others may think, feel.
Realise that people actually talk lesser and think lesser about you than you imagined.
Many things will be better this way.

When you get too obssessed with 'Self', we tend to be overly obssessed to make things clear.
Your eyes are not as trustworthy as you see of them.
It's time for you to take some attention off yourself.
For that is the biggest problem for us, humans.

This kind of feeling...

after exams is really..... wonderful.

mmmm............... good good.

currently having exams...
last exams for the poly years...
jiayou people around me...

mark, aikchun, jiayou too!
grats stupid kianchang exams finished alr!

and for me too!
lets look forward to the end of exams! :)

oh, and i pray that we all do well for this exam!

cheer up and it will be a better day.

Happy Valentine's Day (:
today has been a normal day at home for me, thinking and feeling :D

a prayer upon the heavens.

be well & be whole.

amen.




sometimes. words are just so imperfect. many a times, they cause much misery, at the same time, they can result in many happy occasions too. words.... are indeed mysterious. It's time to lie down, and take a good rest, isnt it... and hopefully we will see everyone vibrant and lively again. Smiles.. one of the best things on earth.

It shall be a secret forevermore.
It will live with me, be gone when i'm gone.

And thank you, you have helped yourself.
Thank you.

If you ever fall, i want to be the one to pick you up.
If you ever need a hug, my arms will be wide open for you.
If you ever need comfort, i will give mine to you.
If you ever need concern, i will give them to you.
If you ever feel tired, i will offer you the green pastures.
If you ever cry, i will be the best tissue paper.
If you ever need to rant or complain, i will listen all you can say.
If you ever feel like venting your angers, i will be your bob.
If you ever feel like loving somebody, let the person be Jesus.

Why? why do i say these? because no one ever loves you as much (:

Thanks Aik Chun.. You've untied the knots in my mind once again. Thanks for being my brother, a wonderful one. I sincerely wish you and Geraldine all the best!

Today we went to have lunch at Katong at Boon Tong Kee chicken rice.. No pics though, sorry. We ordered a few dishes too. Very nice! Then we went to Wanyang cos he's been complaining of backaches... and he went for the back message, your expression was in such great pain. Haha.

Anyways today i've come to realise many things after talking so much with you. Think i have made a fatal mistake i should have never ever make. But well, things that are said cant be taken back i guess. Am i too late yet?

Looks like it's time for me to be direct and be myself. Stop my stupid cheeziness that makes people think of me as a joke.

Im so happy for Mark who is applying for NTU.
=) Hope u get it. How about me? I'm considering courses from SIM. Still messed up and deciding on what i should apply for. The courses are costly, and i'm still seeking my interest in the meantime. Should i go for a course for the sake of a degree or my interest more? I'm still deciding between these.


At the same time. this marks the near end of our semester.. I hate to see everyone leaving soon. There are seriously many things that i still are unable to let go of. Particularly some friendships, relationships. But no matter How things will turn out to be, there is only one way for me to see it, is to hope that everything turns out well for u people. Of course, there are certain people i feel i will really miss alot alot, so i hope you all will not just forget me like this no matter what happened or happens. I wish to dwell, i wish to be sad, in fact, i'm feeling it over certain matters that have happened recently. But i feel that doing more wouldn't help, all i can do is stay here and watch, pray and wish that things will be good.

The promises i said, i hold on.

it's the start of chinese new year holiday. and yesterday was a fabulous day in church at indoor stadium. well at first i didnt expect myself to go, then i struggled to go or not to go, and in the end, i got myself a cab and i was on my way there. i enjoyed myself so much in the service yesterday that i cannot imagine how i will regret going! anyways, it was really fabulous. i wish i've brought some friends along with me, perhaps, mark? peishi?

the service started with videos of past services in indoor stadium. and then we moved into praise and worship when i sang my tears out. then a fantastic play on the little nonya with the inspiration of love story of ruth from the bible. i tell u man, the songs and play were soooo well done it brought me to tears. really. then it came pastor MARK! woohoo. i love your preaching man mark, preach it preach it! im so touched to see so many souls saved yesterday!

and....

today, i did something stupid.

i got myself heartaches. i accepted an offer that i thought i could help. though initially i already knew what the outcome would be, i went against what my mind told me, followed my heart, and in the end, it left me heartbroken. perhaps i held on to a glitter of hope that the outcome can be different, different from what i expect, proving my useless logics to be wrong.

i thought about it, and i realised that it was because of the same deprive too, that deprive the other had for giving me that offer. perhaps, i've been missing too much.

i'm happy if i at least provided happiness for the other. and today felt like a day when everything leaves me again. this feeling of abandonment.

i just hope that i have somebody who i can talk to. somehow, everyone i look at, seems to be away or probably busy. will somebody save me?

Love is the free exercise of choice. It is not a matter of necessity, where no choice and no freedom is involved.

Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other

Dependency, which is often misunderstood for love, is unconcerned with the spiritual growth of the other. Dependent people are interested in their own nourishment, but no more; they desire filling, they desire to be happy; they don't desire to grow, nor are they willing to tolerrate the unhappiness, the loneliness and suffering involved in growth. Neither do dependent people care about the spiritual growth of the other, the object of their dependency; they care only that the other is there to satisfy them. Dependency is but one of the forms of behavior to which we incorrectly apply the word "love".

The distinction of love from feeling is the "will". The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own and another's spirtitual growth. More volitional than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love . The commitment to love, the will to love, whether or not the loving feeling is present.

True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. As the feelings of love may be unbounded, but the capacity to be loving is limited. Therefore one must choose the person on whom to focus his capacity to love, towards whom to direct his will to love.


Adapted from The Road Less Traveled by M.Scott Peck, M.D.

walking in the mist of a crowd
i ask myself..
can a person live long without love?
the movies would always show how sweet love is..
but i refuse to believe them...

sitting all alone in a corner
again, i ask myself..
should i continue or give up?
nobody understands how i am feeling now,
i so miss seeing you yet i want to avoid..
it is so painful to decide...

everytime when i go near you,
you appear to be calm and cold...
feels like all the words are spken just by looking into your expressions..
but all i wish is to prove that the love between us exists...
perhaps for u, it does not even matter..

all i wish is to be close to you
and i wish to hold u tight
it reminds me of you, all the past and present
i still want to be part of of ur life
will you believe me?
i'll walk with you till the end..



the words from my heart.

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Dihua

23 Jun 1989

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